One of my dear friends made a totem animal chart for me last fall, and one of the creatures on it was a hummingbird. According to Native American religious belief, certain animals guide aspects of our lives. The hummingbird represents joy in living, as they feed on nectar from the most vibrant flowers. Interestingly enough, there are quite a few stories about these frenetic spirits who bring life to all. We are all familiar with Plato's allegory of the cave, but there is a much more endearing tale in a Mayan account, which claims the hummingbirds brought people from the subterranean realm to the world we live in today. How did the bird do it? It simply followed a twisted spiral of light.
http://www.hummingbirdworld.com/h/native_american.htm
I relate to this creature because I, too, find joy in life's blooming portals, and lately, I have a tendency to zip around from one tome or scene to another, trying to live my life as best as I can. My search for employment has brought me into closer union with God, or what I call a multitude of names, as Spirit, Mother, Self, Brahman, Inner Guide, Daemon, Totem, Creator. I take a monistic view of divinity, as I grew up very confused by the dogma of the trinity. How is it possible to have God be three things at once? Why can't God be manifest in everything, as this speaks to the poet's heart? I have seen Spirit in the glaze on a hand thrown ceramic bowl and in the excited glow of a child telling me a knock knock joke. As you can see, I am like a hummingbird in that I derive nourishment from finding beauty in every aspect of life, even the so-called 'darkness.'
I sporadically write here, and today I am writing to express camaraderie with my fellow kind who are struggling to live in this economy. Ever since I graduated with my MA in English in June 2012, I have had eight different employers. Each job has been temporary, e.g. short and sweet or short and pungent as fuck.
To make the job hunt even more fascinating, I also was fired in February. It was a great relief, as the day before it unexpectedly occurred, I had a mild break/regression where I suddenly felt sick when eating and had to go outside. This was because I had a boss who was a poor communicator, coworkers who were in their computer bubbles all day and no real training whatsoever, even though I was told the job "had extensive training" and was basically "a paid internship." Long story short, I want to focus on the spiritual aspect of this experience.
The night before I was fired, I felt nauseous and after I ran out of my apartment, I walked quickly through the night and found some hedges on campus in which I hid and rested for maybe ten minutes. I needed to be in touch with the earth and connect with a force I could actually derive a sense of wholeness from. When I finally headed back, I told my partner that my job was "killing my soul," and with that, God provided for me. I believe that when we act on our desires with the purest intentions, we can manifest our wishes. I call it 'the power of the word,' or 'the power of the will.' Of course, one could say my boss was simply going to fire me that day, but who does it on Valentine's Day? Regardless of the mechanism, it was a moment of synchronicity where I spoke my truth and I was freed from a job which did not allow me creative freedom or any sense of purpose or direction.
From that moment on, I was pretty devastated for about a day, and I was unable to do anything but focus on one thing at a time. I simply ate, took a shower and slept. The next day, I got up, got a haircut and visited one of my friends and called one of my friends. I eventually applied for food stamps and unemployment (again!) and I started looking for jobs. But mainly, I trusted God. I knew that Mother was looking out for me and would provide for my needs. And she did. I applied for a tutoring job about six days after Valentine's Day, and I got an interview and job offer in two weeks!
Never underestimate the power of setting your intention and casting out nets in various places on the ocean of life (thanks to Ann Lindbergh for the beautiful analogy. Read her book http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gift_from_the_Sea for some great passages on inwardness and developing our lives as spirals from the hub). I have been teaching children language arts and mathematics, and developing my Spanish speaking skills, which have been fairly dormant for the past four years. I am blessed to enter family's homes and teach 6-12 year-olds all they need to know about phonetics and fractions. This job has also sparked an initial interest in teaching English as a second language, perhaps overseas. I had this dream about four years ago, but ended up going into college access and pursuing poetry. To be honest, I didn't have as much motivation or drive to pursue a Fulbright. I wasn't as invested in coming up with a project plan, but now that I have done it in college access and am more confident in my teaching and leadership abilities, I feel more equipped to do it.
But you know, I must admit that losing a full-time job with benefits gave me a very CLEAR understanding of who I am and what I will and will not stand for. Even in these hard economic times, I've learned that we must be honest with ourselves and ask: what am I willing to do for 4-12 hours a day? What am I endowed with, and what makes my heart sing? One of my friends told me that she has a "survival job" and does her art in her remaining time, but she also said she is very clear about what she wants from a employer, and sees jobs as means to an end. In other words, jobs are modes of acquiring greater goals, like better jobs or traveling expenses or equipment.
Based on her example, I decided to see jobs as potential partners or lovers. I am looking for a job that suits me and works for me, not the other way around. Not only did I look for work based on my qualifications, but I also started looking for jobs that matched my temperament, energy levels and ethics. I refused to take a job where I am required to sit in front of a computer for eight hours a day or talk to people for that long. These jobs strain my back and my throat, not to mention keep me stationary. I would much rather be like Lewis and Clark, mapping out territory or hell! I would much rather pick up trash on the side of the road. At the very least, I could learn more about the land and hear the birds singing. By being honest about your limitations and preferences, you cut out work that will only bring future grief on many levels.
The second thing I did was map out what my future goals were, and decide which jobs provided skills and assets that were conducive to my dreams. Stephen Covey discusses the idea of a mission statement, but I think that a bucket list is more my style. Kevin Herbert, one of my former counselors, suggested that I create one and "ditch anything that isn't on my list." I created it in 2010, and have revised it perhaps 2 or 3 times. I made a new one in 2013 and you would be amazed at how much I completed on the first list without returning to it everyday. It helps you set your intentions and is easily amendable. I also have been able to track how my goals change from year to year. In 2010, I was more focused on professional and intellectual development. In 2013, I am more in tune with spiritual and artistic growth, as well as community involvement. Interestingly enough, many of the items on my list are artistic experiments or spiritual retreats. This year, I have become a member of shamanic community and I got a temporary position at The Paint Chip, a local art supply and framing shop. I also am interested in opening a community center that is a completely free space for artistic development, physical nourishment and fellowship. Notice the synchronicity here!
One thing I will say is that my degree has been only fairly helpful in securing employment. I have had one adjunct position last fall, which I absolutely loved. However, it only partially paid the bills for about three months, or a semester. I decided not to pursue adjuncting as a career ladder, for it doesn't meet my ethics. Basically, you are what I call a "transient professor" or on worse days, " a prostitute for the academy." No office hours, no benefits, no compensation for preparing lessons and this thing called a 'seniority list,' which you work your way up little by little. I will say that the job pays off in that I get to teach and meet other teachers who have improved my ability to develop a syllabus. This work is also like social work, especially at the community college level, so it has taught me compassion. All in all, I don't view it as my dream job.
Yet in spite of all my trash talk on adjunct life, I will say that it is good if you don't want to be tied to one place or one philosophy for an extended period of time. Not only that, there are some fringe benefits, like great professional development opportunities in terms of committee work, faculty mentorship and that sort of thing. Furthermore, I was able to cast my nets and secure TWO sections for the upcoming fall, but only in an attempt to get a letter of recommendation for future teaching positions. My supervisor wouldn't write me a letter for a full-time position at the community college, and I asked if she would at least write a general letter of recommendation so I could "improve my teaching skills." This was the supervisor who had praised my performance and wanted me to return to the cc, so I was pretty peeved when she refused, but pretty stoked when she instead offered me two classes. And I got a call back for another college which pays better and focuses more on writing curriculum development and pays better. So hey. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want or need from an employer.
Also, take their advice and enact it in front of them to see how true they are. My supervisor had said to "speak up" and "promote myself." This is what I did with her when I asked for a letter and stated my need to advance my teaching experience. She saw that I was committed to teaching, and she delivered on her own philosophy. And to make it even better, I got a letter of recommendation from my faculty mentor there who wrote it exactly as I requested. So be polite, be gracious and be clear about your needs. It has worked wonders in my life so far.
So here I am, writing away to tell you that what one of friends at ashram says is true. He told me that his needs are always provided for, right when he needs it. It's very true. I am not saying that I don't have unpaid bills or unmet needs. I do as we speak. In spite of these setbacks, I am finding that my true needs are spiritual and are met by my loved ones, my God and my insistence in pursuing my dreams. Who knows. I may not be able to keep my car or keep paying on my credit cards. I don't want to file for bankruptcy, but I am not really interested in buying a house or getting any more credit cards. The only thing I would be concerned about is not being able to help my future children pay for their education, although by the time they are in school, it may be so expensive or an obsolete form of knowledge building, for all I know. That said, I have been doing the best I can, and I have been seeking the help of spiritual communities like ashram, Al-Anon, nature and Shamanic circles to generate a net that will carry me more than any great benefits package or steady income.
In fact, it was the Spirit speaking through one of the shamans who spoke my language and recognized my heart of hearts. I hadn't told the healer anything but that my intuition had been off lately, and that I was a teacher and my debts were high, but teaching provided a limited income. The Spirit spoke through her and recognized that I am an artist and a healer, and that I must feed that part of me, and that income will come from that. She was very gestural, and when she said "You have such a hunger for art" and reached into her sternum, she was acknowledging the tension I often carry in my middle back. She told me various places to go teach English, and mentioned a two-year contract (had the Spirit been reading up on The PeaceCorps?=p) and how I could be involved in ethnic artistic communities while teaching English....How did the Spirit know I had a background in English and Spanish and had thought of teaching TESOL only a week ago? So you see that when we are sincere about our needs, God honors this and provides us direction and support. That's all for now. Thank you for listening, and I hope you find my personal journey inspiring as you not only seek out a living, but "make a life." I think it was Maya Angelou who said that "we are to make a life, not a living." Much love and peace your way. This hummingbird is out. =)
No comments:
Post a Comment